On Grandparenting

Recently, my friend from overseas, stayed with me at Queen's and observed how heartwarming it was seeing grandmothers walking their grandchildren, some in push prams, after the strong rays of the afternoon sun has lost its sting.

Betty Kingsley my house-guest, mentioned an article her father, nonagenarian Lau Kheng Yong, wrote in his book which contained the speeches, talks and articles he had compiled over the years. It was titled: How Grandparents Can Help Bring Up Their Grandchildren.

In his book, Uncle Lau commented that the need for grandparental help is greater now than in the past. This was due to both parents working these days, unlike in the past, hence leaving their young children in the care of maids. Without parental guidance, children sometimes fell into bad company, maybe ending up as delinquents.

Because parents have to leave home to work, Uncle Lau suggested that grandparents step in to fill the void. For grandparents to take on this responsibility, the correct attitude is important. They should not regard this duty as work forced on them, complaining and grumbling to others. This would add to the stress and strain parents already bear through the pressures of working life.

An atmosphere where harsh words, arguments, quarrels, beatings and wailing prevail is detrimental to the upbringing of children.

Uncle Lau is of the belief that there are two qualities that parents and grandparents should have, if they hope to bring their offspring up successfully.

The first is wisdom. One should never be so strict as to stifle initiatives, nor so indulgent as to spoil the child. If an elder was too strict, children with strong characters would rebel, break away and follow their own inclinations, whilst the mild and passive would lose confidence in themselves and dare not do anything on their own.

The second quality grandparents should possess is self sacrifice. They should be willing to sacrifice their time, convenience and even money, for the good of their grandchildren. If they spot a talent in their young, they should take the trouble to arrange classes for them to develop that talent, even ferrying them to and fro. Uncle Lau believes that it does not matter that the talent is unrelated to working life, for possessing another talent may makelives more fulfilling and complete in the later years.

An example would be taking music lessons. This is never wasted, since the child would appreciate classical music later on, and experience great joy attending world-class performances.

The influence of parents and grandparents is greatest when the children are young, diminishing when they grow older. This is the time when the foundation of their moral character is laid. Uncle Lau stated that some philosophers even advocated that the heart should be educated first, and the head later. This is sound advice, since knowledge can always be acquired later but the wrong attitude towards life, once ingrained, is hard, if not impossible, to correct.

It is a fact that children tend to mimic their elders. The only way to teach them good morals and right attitude towards life is by example. Parents and grandparents should be good role models. They must be on guard where their thoughts, words and actions are concerned. Examples of unselfishness, patience, kindness, concern for others, honesty and right speech should be shown at all times.

But bringing children up just by giving them a good moral and academic foundation is not sufficient. As the saying goes – “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.” Hence, parents and grandparents should encourage their young to be an all-rounder. They should be driven to participate in all kinds of recreational and social activities so that mixing with others comes easy.

Grandchildren should be given the time of day by their parents and grandparents, bonding in work and play. It is another well known saying that the family that works and plays together stays together, tied strongly by emotional bonds, common interests and experiences.

And as they grow older, children will naturally have their own friends and prefer greater independence. This is a natural development. But if they have been well guided during their earlier years, they will be able to take good care of themselves.

As a wise saying goes: Unless the sapling is taken out of the pot and planted into the ground, it can never grow up into a big tree.

The success of grandchildren should be the most satisfying reward of any grandparent

Thank you so much, Uncle Lau Kheng Yong, for your words of wisdom and for your book, from which much of this article was taken from.